1. A Scale.
Do you really want to go there on Christmas Day? It doesn’t matter how deluxe the model, how expensive it was or even if she asked for it. No woman wants to think about her weight at Christmas.
2. Exercise Equipment.
This gift implies that she needs it. I was in high school the day some friends arrived with the story that their Dad bought their Mom a thigh master for her birthday. It didn’t go over well. It was even worse when the kids told their friends that their Dad thought their Mom needed the thigh master. A word to the wise—if she wants exercise equipment, she should buy it for herself. Never repeat this man’s mistakes.
3. Never buy anything that has the words “Craftsman”, “DeWalt”, or “Husky” written on it.
Especially avoid the last one.
4. Avoid any gifts with the words “Anti-Aging” or “Wrinkle-Removing” on the bottle.
Again, this is something she can buy for herself because it’s one thing if she thinks she needs it, but if you think she needs it---well, that’s a whole other story.
5. Don’t buy anything that the sales lady says is a bad idea.
The truth is that all women speak the same language and we all know a bad gift when we see one. Trust me, she is trying to help you. Take her advice and walk away from the gift.
6. Don’t buy any item about which the salesman says, “Oh yeah, my grandma has one of those.”
Think about the woman for whom you’re buying the gift. If she isn’t at least 10 years older than you think the salesman’s grandma would be, than just walk away. If you’re shopping for a woman who is more than 10 years younger than the salesman’s grandma would be, RUN away and keep looking. No woman wants a gift that is designed for an old lady. Christmas morning is not the moment to make any woman aware of the passing of time.
7. Never buy a woman anything that will help her shovel snow, cut the grass, or rake the leaves more efficiently.
Why not just give her a list of your chores that you expect her to take over in the New Year? If you choose to ignore this warning, I suggest you be prepared to receive a dishwasher, a vacuum cleaner, and an iron next Christmas.
8. Never buy a woman a gift that YOUR MOM suggested would improve her cooking or cleaning.
Why don’t you just buy her a card that reads, “My Mom thinks you are a bad cook and housekeeper?” Trust me, you’ll never be able to defrost the silence between those two women at Christmas dinner.
If you are going to buy your wife something of a household nature, first, make sure she wants it. Second, tell her this item will make her life easier. Otherwise, you’re going to be the one making her life easier as you do the chores that “your mother doesn’t think she can do correctly” for the next week (if you’re lucky).
9. Never buy a woman a membership to a gym.
Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to be surrounded by your family and friends and open the gift that says, “I think it would be good if you worked out more?” At this point, she will be wondering how much longer this relationship will be working out.
10. Never give a woman an I.O.U.
Christmas has been on the calendar for the last 364 days. If you haven’t bought her a gift by Christmas Eve, no I.O.U. will cover the cost of what you really owe her!
11. Avoid buying your wife a gift card.
Honestly, could you find a gift that more accurately expresses the sentiment, “You’re the light of my life and the center of my world, but I know absolutely nothing about you and I haven’t taken the time to get to know you”? The truth is that if she wanted money, she’d just take it out of your wallet or your joint checking account. This is a bad idea.
“What? You think my butt looks big? You think I need spanx? You think my clothes don’t fit? I don’t exactly see you fitting into the same jeans you wore in high school.”
Again are these the conversations you want to have as your entire family watches you open Christmas presents?
13. Never buy a woman a gift you really want for yourself and try to disguise it as a gift for her.
How stupid do you think she is? Do you really think she wants the newest Madden game to play with her friends when they come over for coffee?
Last year a friend of mine received a gaming system for Christmas. When she asked why, her husband said that he wanted it and he knew she wouldn’t buy it for him. Don’t try this at home, guys. She was still talking about it in disgust 3 months later.
“What else is left?”
Here are some ideas:
Buy her a gift that tells her you love her.
Give her something that says, “I think you are the most beautiful, talented, wonderful woman I’ve ever met and I’m so thankful that you’re in my life.”
Buy her something she wants but won’t buy for herself—something she’d enjoy that would be a special treat just for her.
If these instructions seem too difficult, than just ask her what she wants and then actually listen to her reply. As long as it isn’t on the list of things to NEVER buy for a woman, she’ll like what she picked. She’ll probably even be surprised that you were listening!