"We all need just a few people in our lives that we trust implicitly—our inner circle."
You don't have to be on the planet very long before you learn that you can't trust everyone. Most females learn at a pretty early age that you have to be very careful about who you tell what, especially when it comes to secrets.
I learned this lesson when I was fifteen and told a girl who said she was my friend which boy I had a crush on at school. Yep, you guessed it. By Monday morning, everyone in our small Christian school knew how I felt. He and I were both embarrassed. It was your typical high school scene right out of Mean Girls. The only one who was happy was the nasty girl in the corner, delighting in my misfortune.
I grew up a lot that day. Some times, I'm surprised it took me that long to learn the meaning of "frenemy." Over time, I learned even more things like:
-Beware of gossips: they don't care about you; they just want the information to share.
-Watch out for jealous girls—they are always marking and protecting their territory.
-Some girls will stab you in the back just to advance their agenda.
-Others will use what you tell them as weapons against you to hurt you.
-If a woman talks to you about someone else, be careful. The odds are that she'll be talking to someone else about you soon.
-Drama queens who continuously play the victim probably play a more significant part in the problem than they admit or tell you.
-Cliques are nasty and mean girls are real, even in the church.
These are just some of the lessons we all eventually learn as we interact with other women and realize you can't trust everyone. The problem is that sometimes this truth makes us feel so hurt and vulnerable that we build a wall around ourselves and decide not to trust anyone. This isn't healthy.
God did not mean for us to go through life alone. That's why He created the church to operate as a body—walking through life together.
"But 'Des, I've tried that, and I've been hurt over and over again. I don't want to try anymore."
Trust me when I say that I understand. Oh, the stories I could tell of relationships gone wrong and heartaches I've endured because Christian women chose to act in a way that was very un-Christlike. (That's a super-spiritual way of saying they were downright nasty!)
I've been tempted to say, "I'm done—I'll never trust again."
To a point, I haven't. As I've matured, I've learned the importance of protecting myself from dangerous women. I've learned to be cautious about what I share, particularly when I'm going through a hard time. If I share about a difficult time, it's because I'm over it, and it doesn't bother me anymore. It was a different story while I was going through it—then I kept it to myself.
I'm not the girl whose going to pour out her heart at a Women's Meeting. (I don't know all the people there, why would I trust them?) You'll rarely find me giving prayer requests on a prayer chain. I stopped going to a meeting after they put me in a small group of strangers and asked us deeply personal questions. I couldn't wait to get out of there!
Why? I've learned over the years to guard my heart.
However, this doesn't mean that I don't share. I'm just extremely selective about when and with whom I share. Even though time has taught me to guard my heart, it has also taught me the absolute necessity of close friends. I firmly believe that we all need just a few people in our lives that we trust implicitly—our inner circle.
They are our kindred spirits—the people who love us and will keep our confidences, protect us no matter what, and always have our backs.
These are the friends who will tell you the truth in love to your face because they want the best for you. They don't talk behind your back, but will tell you straight out where you can improve. These friends will listen to your fears, laugh at your mistakes, and open their hearts to you.
Granted, friends like this are few and far between, but aren't all treasures? Perhaps their rarity is what makes them most valuable.
I am very blessed to have a few of these people in my life. Including my brother, who is my best friend, I would count five. Although I know these people aren't perfect (that happens when you let your hair down with people—you both see each other's flaws), they are trustworthy, reliable, and truly good friends. I know that they are a gift from God because real friends are hard to find. Yet, they are so necessary.
Especially as women, we need friends. We need our girl time. We need people who will listen to us process our emotions, talk through ideas, and hear our hearts.
We need girlfriends we can laugh with and share our silly stories. We need honest opinions about whether or not a dress looks bad or we should cut our hair. We need a voice of reason when the hormones are raging—or at least an encouraging voice that says, "I have hot flashes, too."
There are times when we need another woman to listen like only a female can and relate to what we are saying. Sometimes we need another woman to hold us accountable, challenge us, and say, "Girl, what are you thinking?"
When God created women, He designed us as relational creatures. We need people. Just because we've experienced bad female friendships doesn't mean we should abandon the concept. We simply have to make wiser choices.
No, we can't trust everyone, but we can trust some.
As the Holy Spirit brings godly, trustworthy women into our lives, we need to leave the door open to form relationships. Sure, it's okay to build slowly and tread lightly. That's probably wise, and people will show you who they are with time. But this principle goes both ways. Mean girls will show themselves mean, but real friends will prove they are trustworthy.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the others up." (NIV)
The older I get, the more I understand this verse and the truth that we all need a few good friends as we walk through life.
Perhaps, like me, you've gone through difficult times and been burned by female friendships. Maybe you've been tempted to give up and say, "Who needs it?"
The answer is: you do. All of us need our girls.
Can I encourage you to try again?
Start by asking God to bring a sincere, trustworthy, godly friend into your life. When He answers, be open to the possibility.
Yes, it's okay to go slow and get to know if someone is trustworthy. It's also essential that you are a reliable friend.
Don't be surprised if the friends that God brings you don't come in the demographics you expected. They may be older, younger, married, or single. Their life experiences may be different from your own, and yet, God knows they are what you need. The truth is that all of my closest friends are very different from me. However, in our hearts, we are kindred spirits. I am thankful for each of them.
One of my favorite quotes from Anne of Green Gables says, "Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."
The problem is that along the way to finding kindred spirits, many of us run into mean girls. My encouragement to you today: don't let the mean girls you've met stop you from embracing kindred spirits. I know it's a temptation, but I'm also thankful that I didn't let bad experiences keep me from one of God's greatest gifts—godly friends.
If you have real, blue, honest to goodness friends, treasure them. Be kind to them. Thank God for them because they make life so much better. Especially as we get older, we need friends.
Adessa Holden is an ordained minister with the Assemblies of God specializing in Women's Ministry. Together with her brother, Jamie, they manage 4One Ministries and travel the East Coast speaking, holding conferences, and producing Men's and Women's resources that provide practical Biblical teaching for everyday life.
When asked about herself, she'll tell you "I'm a women's minister, a sister, and a daughter. I love to laugh and spend time with people. My favorite things are chocolate, the ocean, sandals and white capris, anything purple, summertime and riding in the car listening to music. It is my absolute honor and privilege to serve Jesus and women through this ministry."
